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Avian Flu: Attack of the killer Pigeon?

in New York City there are a few thing you can't escape:

rats, roaches, pigeons, homeless people and taxi cabs.

this morning i had a run in with a pigeon. in my living room.

i woke up blurry eyed and pissed about it being a monday. i took a shower and as usual got out of the shower put my glasses on and checked the time, and as usual i was running late. in my towel i decide to go into the living room, which is pitch black.

out of no where i hear flapping wings and i get slammed in the head by a rabid pigeon startled by my entrance to the room. i drop my towel, run into my bedroom and barricade myself in with bags of clothes that should have gone to the goodwill weeks ago.

i get dressed and call nate (who incidentally is to busy to listen to me) in all my trauma i get a hold of my coworker mina, who i usually ride the train to work with. she agrees to help me get the pigeon out. i have now decided his name is willis.

willis' girlfriend stefanie is crouched waiting for him outside the kitchen window, through which willis squeezed through... now in a panic wings-a-flappin willis can't fly back out to her. mind you i am terrified, petrified and immobilized. today i found out i am scared of pigeons.

the next part of the story is a loose account of what i think happened from what i heard happening outside my bedroom door. YES, i let mina in to deal with the bird and then locked myself back in the bedroom while screaming "don't let him hurt you mina!". i am a pussy.

i hear flapping, i hear banging onto walls and i hear mina saying: "no come this way! no! over here!". willis is flying all around and not making any headway. Our apt has about 5 feet of space above the doors to the ceilings so he is flying as high as he can and bumping into wall after wall after wall. mina can't open the kitchen window because stefanie is sitting right outside the window waiting to mate. finally, mina has the brilliant idea to let willis fly into the hall and the common area of the building.

after what sounded like the storming of the beach at normandy mina gets willis to fly out into the building common area and saved the day.

i am now at work checking my complexion and my pulse in fear of the avian flu.

willis made a fucking mess in the kitchen and he probably has AIDS on his feet.


only in new york.

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING

Annoying People at the Movie Theatre

When in situations in a public setting where crowds of people gather to watch I often find myself appalled by the behavior of my fellow onlookers.

Case in point: Last night was the premiere of IRON MAN. I bought tickets on fandango early in the day, made plans to have dinner ready with time to walk to the theatre. It was a crisp night out and we had a nice brisk walk to the theatre.... THEN when we arrived the theatre was packed but we found 2 seats together with a good view of the screen.

ALL THROUGH THE Pre-Previews the jackass behind us (who will refer to as JK 1)is on the phone with "Jackie". For 15 minutes (yelling no less) he talks to Jackie about how long they've known each other and how he just wants to take her to dinner and talk to her. Then, as the previews start he and Jackie secure plans for tomorrow and banter back and forth about what time she will be available to hang out. At which point JK 2 (JK 1's friend and movie partner) leans over to JK 1 and yells "Yo Son! I can't believe you on your cell phone in a fuckin' movie theatre Son!!" Then I turn around and shoot JK 1 a dirty look and he proceeds to tell Jackie that "Everyone in the theatre is Dawgin' him" HOWEVER he chooses not to end the conversation there. As we roll into the fourth preview JK 1 is reminding Jackie of all the reasons he likes her body. I mean... REALLY?

Suddenly during the preview for the next Adam Sandler movie where he plays an Israeli military genius turned NY hairdresser JK 1 decides to cut his call short. And I thought we were in the clear.

Little did I know, that JK 2 has missed a step in the evolutionary process and is really a sub human life form. I would like to blame it on weed, but my fear is that he is always that stupid and annoying. To begin with, right before the movie begins JK 2 leans over to the two Muslim girls sitting next to him head wraps in tow and brilliantly produces this gem "I know you're religious but i just wanted to know if you think it's okay to watch this movie?" The girls are as confused by the question as I am...No comment. Through the entire movie he mumbled loudly to himself things like "A picture is worth a thousand words YO!", "Yeah but how did dude get through security son?!" and laughed incessantly during any violent scenes in the movie.

I'm rambling, but still clearly totally irritated about this behavior.

I'm never going to another premiere of anything... ever!

kill me.

what's next?

Check out this video: robots!

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